Blame Game and Comparison

by Smt. Susmita Devi


After having listened to one of Sri Sri Babathakur’s discourse on the Zee Bangla TV program (aired on the 13th of January, 2013), and upon the request of e-Sanai, I decided to write something about my impressions of both 'The Blame Game' and 'Comparison'. The two words used in the headline describe subject matters which are very much part of our daily lives.

The first question related to these concepts that come to my mind is – why do we quite often blame others?  The second question that follows the first one is – how can we manage to minimize the use of blame or totally avoid it? As for the first question, it is primarily because of the fear of punishment that we indulge in blaming others.  Another reason for blaming someone else is that we frequently think and want to show ourselves as superior to others; we actually lie to ourselves, blatantly refusing to acknowledge the inner realities of our behavior.

Experienced psychologists and psychiatrists dig into both the conscious and the subconscious mind of their clients to find out why these individuals behave the way they do (and to eventually make them see that). The cause(s) behind the exhibition of a specific behavior or possession of a certain trait can be identified through the process of self introspection.  However most need some outside indication to be able to see why they behave and talk as they do.

Let me first tackle the idea of ‘blame’. As written above, the primary reason for blaming another is the fear of punishment.  Children are often subject to blame as they are emotionally dependent on a grown up and truly fear that a very loud shouting or beating will follow if there is none but him- or herself to blame.  As teenagers, they thoroughly learn to blame others when possible for any mischief, ‘bad’ behavior, or even an involuntary mishap. They learn to ‘hide’ behind a facade of innocence when needed through the use of blame - this despite realizing that the immutable law of Karma is there to ensure that they themselves shall become victims of the blame game some day.

When talking about action, subtle actions like thoughts ought to be included, for they are the first step to any action. If one blames someone, one is sure to be blamed in return by some other individual for happenings one may not have been the instigator of.  The ‘Blame Game’ is used by most and is top-heavy; it goes from the political level to the Government level where one department blames other departments, one ministry blames other ministries, and managers blame the employees.  Civil society is no better - for as far as basic tenets are concerned, each societal level is an expression of the other.  The Blame Game is thus firmly entrenched within civil society as well.

For individuals, the trick is to learn to accept the blame, request forgiveness (or eventually pay up for one's misdemeanors), and remember not to commit same blunder again. It is indeed that simple to prevent serious reactionary effects.

If one has been fortunate enough to learn the ‘Science of Oneness’ (Advaita Vedanta as opposite to Dwaita) and use it in one’s daily life - the tendency to blame others automatically diminishes and disappears by and by since the ‘physically other’ and you truly are but One in Essence.  I used to explain the concept of Oneness as follows:  Any number of people in a room use one and the same Pran (i.e. life force) while breathing – without consciously assuming this Pran as being ‘my’ Pran.  It is freely available to all creatures. To change the socially-induced, prominent sense of separateness of mind and intellect (i.e. the ego sense) to the Sense of Oneness (Aham Dev), some level of the non-physical and spiritual awareness and practice is needed.  One may gather such knowledge through books, discourses and eventually through the attendance of Satsangs (gathering of devotes).  However there is no doubt that if one is lucky enough to get be instructed by a Self-realized Soul, a Sadguru like Sri Sri Babathakur, the practice and the results are easier to assimilate and use.  The outcome is that the ‘you’ and ‘I’ slowly change one’s thoughts to accept the Essential Being inherent in all - for without that, no life is possible.

When I worked at the Divya Chaya Trust, I helped establish a ‘camp’ where twenty children could stay for a week at a time to imbibe other kinds of knowledge than the academic ones.  They regularly squabbled and fought over ‘mine’ and ‘your’ things, food, and sitting on my lap. I decided to do something about it, but didn’t know what to do. I meditated and requested help – which of course, came.

One afternoon, I took two long pieces of white paper and rolled them out on the floor. In the middle I put the required number of water colors and brushes. I then separated the children in two groups and instructed one group to paint (not draw) life on the river. The other group was told to paint life in a village. After 20 minutes, I asked them to switch sides. Some objected, saying ‘my’ fish or house was not yet finished.  I told them to do as I had stated.  They had no recourse but to obey my instructions, and proceeded to finish painting someone else’s fish or house. This happened twice. We put the paper aside to dry. The next morning I put the panels up under the windows before the children came down. Upon seeing the panels they said, ‘See, OUR paintings are beautiful’. On another occasion while working individually on paintings, they sought praise for ‘my’ house or ‘my’ fish.  During the evening prayer, I told them that ‘We’ promotes unity, whereas the mind ‘I’ is the reason for much jealousy, envy and comparison. The mental ‘I’ is divisive – the ‘my and yours’ theme becomes prominent – and is therefore the root for petty-minded squabbles and fights. The next evening, I asked them to develop skits around how the awareness of the difference between the ‘we’ and the ‘I’ could help them in life. They already understood the essence of this difference courtesy of their interactions during play, and had developed some valuable ideas in this regard.  They actively used these ideas in a creative way to design and enact their skits which were well received by all viewers. The children followed up the idea of sharing their things (including food) unselfishly for the rest of the camp.  Even today, so many years later, some of them call me and mention the effect that those painting sessions have had on their lives.

As an adult, it is more difficult to imbibe the ‘We’, be established in the acceptance of the Essential Being, and function as the ‘Aham Dev’ (i.e. the spiritual “I”).  Intense competition, economic pressure and politics have thoroughly submerged the higher awareness of Aham Dev and the ideas of how to live in harmony. The consequence is more blame being passed all around. To achieve what the children did spontaneously through play, the adult need to select some spiritual practice suitable to their environment and character. Guardians try repeatedly to tell children not to lie, but when children perceive their guardians to not follow what they preach - those preachings are bound to fall on barren soil. To reap the fruit of any endeavor associated with  installing a set of worthy values in their children, parents themselves need to live up to such values on a consistent basis in their daily lives.

One reason for the development of a keen sense of individuality and sense of ego is that since early childhood, individuals get indoctrinated (both consciously and unconsciously) with the sense of individuality by observing parental behavior.  At school, one receives a certain ‘grade’ in class.  One starts receiving a grade from the Lower Nursery class itself, and later, good numbers are needed for admission to educational institutions of higher learning. Guardians want their charge(s) to be the 'number one' in all spheres of life - largely to satisfy their own aspirations. Many parents unfortunately live off the 'glory’ of their children’s achievements if they harbor the sense of a lack of 'achievement' in their own lives.  Kids ought to be allowed to develop at their own pace. Their potentials will eventually show up and not remain hidden under the compulsions of living up to the expectations of their guardians. In the minds of children, it is easier to blame others for any mischief than to disappoint a guardian.  But be aware - the eventual consequences of developing the habit of blaming are rarely perceptible at the moment of uttering the first blame.

The concept of blame has a first cousin called ‘comparison’. Throughout life, an individual is compared to other individuals for beauty, intellect, riches, social status, manners, size etc. Even one’s complexion can be a point of comparison with others.

Comparison is, according to Sri Sri Babathakur, a ‘double octopus’ as it bares both visible reactions and invisible ones.  Once the octopus of comparison has gripped an individual, it can suffocate both the outer and the inner natural behavior and thought.  One becomes dependent on the likings and disliking of others and on socially acceptable norms. The society one lives in (both the micro of partner/family and the macro of a country), expects every member to conform to a set of rules – sometimes, quite unreasonable and/or outdated. The natural or inborn mental assertiveness is slowly emptied of self-esteem and initiative.  The individual ends up feeling like the smallest cogwheel in a huge clock –she/he is nothing and can do very little on her/his own. Before that stage arrives, one must find a way of maintaining equanimity between the socio/economic demands and one’s natural tendencies – between the inner spiritual awareness and the outer demands. That, for sure, is not easy to do unless one achieves a high level of spiritual detachment.

Blame Game and comparison are indeed the two aspects of social life that mess up and sometimes destroy an individual.  Consider the rate of suicides due to strong feelings of inadequacy, depression, disappointment and fear - all of them based on ideas of comparison - not to talk of the narrowness of mind exhibited by those who willingly conform to prevailing socio-economic rules and regulations within their social circle.

Can one change one’s attitude by, for example, using different words?  Yes, I think a change can come about by changing the way we communicate.  Instead of using negative charged words like, horrible, disease, unfair and so on, one must consciously modify the expressions of the above to, for example, awful (which can be both positive and negative in modern vocabulary) and ‘out of ease’ which is perceived as being less negative to ‘disease’.

In conclusion, it is worth mentioning that both blame and comparison are social phenomena that evolve through 1) fear of punishment, 2) the ego’s attempts at being pampered, 3) intense competition in one’s social life, 4) education level and 5) parental non-adherence to actually be what the preach. It is, however worth attempting to remedy the inclination to both ‘blame’ and ‘compare’ even in the later stages of life, so as to live out the remainder of one's life in harmony and a higher state of Awareness.